Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
