I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
