in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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