awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
