i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
