there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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