I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
