that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
