I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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