Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
