I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
