Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
