I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
