Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
