you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
