i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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