you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
