Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
