I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
