Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
