I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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