No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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