how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
