Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
