I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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