Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
