I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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