Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
