You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
