if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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