i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
