I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
