My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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