People in love make me want to vomit
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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