My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
