I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
