Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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