So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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