Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
