I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
