I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Dick very happy bro
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
