I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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