My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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