When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
