I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
