I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Just pee around me
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
