so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
