we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
