if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
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It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
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I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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