Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
