My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
