My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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