I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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