Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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