Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
