Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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