You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You dont lie about slip and slides
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
