Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
