GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
