I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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