note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
