swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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