Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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