I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
